Integrity is a state of wholeness.

It is being true to your self in the highest sense.

Integrity is what is right for you.

Who are you? Getting to know who you are includes knowing what you stand for, and what you don’t. You can create ways of being in an instant if you have a foundation of being true to yourself. The ‘being yourself’ department is designed with the intention of leaving you with more questions than answers, on a path to discovering your wants, needs, values and an extraordinary life!

When we’re in integrity, there is less stress, we have greater self- esteem, and we feel more energetic. Being in integrity is an on-going process; we work on it for the rest of our lives. Here are some ways to restore your own integrity:

The ultimate reward for doing the work to restore your personal integrity is the freedom to be yourself.

1. Complete the past.

Acknowledge the wrong, the mistake, the screw-up. We all say or do the wrong thing at some point in our lives. The difference between those with integrity and those without, is how they handle it. To restore your integrity in personal relationships: First, make a list of the people you’ve hurt (whether intentionally or not); Second, apologize to that person (if they have deceased, do it in a letter) and ask what you can do to make amends and put things right again; Third, Move on. You’ve admitted your mistake, taken corrective action and made amends. At this point let it go.

2. Eliminate the holes in your life.

If integrity is wholeness, then to restore it you must plug the holes. Where is your energy being drained or depleted? What are you tolerating or putting up with? The missing button on your favorite suit? The fridge light bulb that has burnt out months ago. Also, make a list of the negative or over-influences in your life.

3. Tell the truth.

More than not lying, this means telling the whole truth. Being your word or being honest is only one part of integrity. Sometimes you have to look beyond your word or promise to the bigger truth. It may even mean breaking an agreement or promise in order to achieve integrity.

4. Identify AND fulfill your personal AND emotional needs.

Do you need to be appreciate, heard, cherished, loved, valued and/or in control? There are hundreds of different personal needs. Which ones are yours and how well are you getting them fulfilled? Unfulfilled needs often drive us to do things that are out of integrity (overspend, overeat, etc.). If you don’t know what your needs are, it is hard to stay in integrity.

5. Tie up loose ends and projects.

Unfinished business, promises you’ve made and haven’t kept, projects you’ve said you would tackle and haven’t (whether to yourself or others) will all drain your energy. Either complete the task, delegate it to someone else, hire it out or decide you aren’t going to do it. Or, re-negotiate your promise. If you promised the kids you would take them to Disney World this summer, but now you’ve lost your job and to do so would put you in financial stress. Tell the kids the truth, apologize and make amends by offering to go camping for a week or something else they’d enjoy that is less costly.

Integrity is bigger than unfinished projects though. Michael was a floral designer and, not being a detail person, didn’t keep good track of his business or personal financial records. He realized this was damaging the success and integrity of his business so he bought an accounting program, collected his receipts and hired a person to come and train him how to keep his books up to date, but he hated it. The whole process drained his energy even though he knew it needed to be done. I pointed out that to be in integrity, Michael needed to be responsible and aware of his financial situation, but didn’t have to do the bookkeeping or accounting himself. He delegated this task to a bookkeeper and has been happier and financially up-to-date ever since. Being in integrity doesn’t mean you have to do the project or task yourself. In fact, that would have been a waste of Michael’s talents and out of integrity for him (see tip #8).

6. Create boundaries.

If you don’t have boundaries, it is hard to stay whole. A boundary is something someone says or does to you that hurts or bothers you, even if just a little bit. For example, one client of mine was at a wedding and saw friends of his he hadn’t seen in years. He had lost 30 pounds and shaved his head. He looked great! An acquaintance came up to him and said, “You look great, now I can introduce you to my girlfriends.” This is a subtle dig disguised as a compliment. The missing boundary—People can’t make rude remarks or subtle digs. His gentle response, “That wasn’t a compliment. Want to try again?”

If you let people pick you apart in even the subtlest of ways, it is impossible to be whole, to be your best self. Don’t tolerate this treatment. Period.

7. Honor your Principles.

Being true to yourself means having principles and honoring them. While boundaries are the conduct we hold others to so we can be our best, principles are the conduct we hold ourselves to. For example, I am always on time or early. I do not lie. I pay my bills on time. I tell the truth. These are principles.

8. Know your gifts.

At some level you aren’t being true to yourself if you are not aware of and honoring your special talents and gifts. It is worth spending some time figuring out what your natural strengths and abilities are (work with a life coach if it isn’t clear). Then orient your life completely around your strengths and passions. Tiger Woods has a natural ability for golf which he continually refines with coaching and practice. What are you naturally good at that you could become masterful with additional training?

9. Create financial integrity.

This means telling the truth to yourself and often others about the state of your finances. It means being current on payments to anyone you owe whether that is the bank, the phone company or a friend or family member. It means living within your means, having a reserve of savings for emergencies (usually six months living expenses in a savings account), saving for the future (10% minimum) and having the appropriate insurance. It means having a plan to get out of debt. If you are experiencing fear, dread, or anxiety in the area of your finances, then you are out of integrity with money.

10. Do what YOU want to do in life.

Forget what you think you should or ought to do, what is it you really want to do with your life? If you aren’t living your life fully, then a part of you is missing, incomplete, our of integrity. One client of mine was an engineer and hated it. She chose engineering because her father was one and was proud of her. When she starting telling the truth, she had to confront her fears about displeasing her father, but then she was able to find a career that matched her own desires and gifts in life. If you aren’t living your own life, then you aren’t in integrity!

Copyright © May 2004. Talane Miedaner.