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 Dr. Sorah Dubitsky
A look at 'spiritual honesy' and the 'three R" system.
I was recently at a party of old friends some of whom I’ve known my whole life. Standing in a hallway, waiting to gain entry to the ladies room, I caught eye of a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. I looked at her face and thought, "Oh my God, what the hell did she do!" Her face literally looked like a mask – or a doll face – an adult Barbie with puffed up cheeks and lips. The worst part was her eyes, which looked more like they were slits; they were like cut out slits in a mask, her cheekbones forming the bottom rim. I choked back my instinct to ask her what she’d done and focused on my breathing to stop my mind from racing.
What came out was, "Wow! It’s been so long… and how are you" and other bits of small talk and then mercifully, the ladies room door opened and I could escape.
Have you ever had that experience of having a strong visceral reaction to someone or something but did not respond? Think of all the times you’ve been angry, sad, upset, annoyed, disappointed, anxious, worried, depressed frightened and for one reason or another did not fully express what you were feeling. In those moments is telling the truth of your experience the same thing as being honest?
These days, expressing the truth of our emotional feelings can get us into trouble. Aside from that, it’s not socially acceptable to scream, rant, rave or cry in public when we feel we have been slighted by someone else.
Yet, it’s our interactions with others that largely dictate our changes in mood. I read a study years ago that found that 80% of the variability (changes) in people’s mood during the day was accounted for by the presence of other people.
Our ancestors had it easier. They didn’t try to suppress the fight or flight mechanism that gets activated at the perception of threat. They fled or fought which discharged the energy, and then their parasympathetic nervous systems (the one that winds you down) took over and they relaxed. Today, many people don’t have that luxury. Their sympathetic nervous systems (the one responsible for the fight or flight response) are fired up most of the day in order to generate the energy it takes to get through, and they never wind down.
These days I found it harder to suppress my visceral reactions. The other day, after reading a letter that had been addressed to me, I literally had the feeling that my blood was boiling. I had to do yoga breath of fire which is great for clearing emotional toxicity, especially anger. I also stomped around the house grunting hunh, hunh, hunh, grateful of having the luxury of being alone and being able to discharge the emotions I was feeling without any witnesses.
Emotional reactions are raw because they are unrestrained. They are uncivil. Emotional reactions hit a nerve, like being on an airplane and hearing a baby cry. They remind us that each of us, at the core, has an unrestrained part that wants it NOW. Freud called it the ID – unbridled passions. But we also have a superego according to Freud that acts as your conscience or your mother or father that says if you do this, you will be hurt. However, from an energy medicine point of view, when unbridled passions are suppressed they close off our feelings, both good and bad. We become less sensitive by suppressing our emotions and eventually we stop knowing what we are feeling. We become numb.
So how does one consciously allow for the expression of emotional honesty – or feeling one’s feelings – whatever they may be? How does one feel the rage, hurt, anxiety, fear, depression, without hurting oneself or hurting others?
Being on a spiritual path, at least a psychologically astute spiritual path like A Course in Miracles or Buddhism makes it easier. There are only two responses anyone can have to any situation: one is love and the other is fear. The key is to identify which response I am generating. This can be called Spiritual Honesty. A Course in Miracles defines Spiritual Honesty in two ways which are really the same thing. Spiritual honesty is integrity – no thought, word or behavior is in conflict with any other. When there’s no conflict there’s peace. The second definition of Spiritual Honesty is awareness of Who We Are. It’s connection to Source. Spiritual Honesty is being loving, because out Higher or Authentic self or Original Nature is loving.
So, when I’m conflicted and feeling emotions that are out of accord with what is deemed appropriate behavior, how do I stay Spiritually Honest? I use a three part process that’s easy to apply, but takes time to fully learn. I call it The Three Rs.
The First R is Recognition:
Recognition means recognizing that I’m not at peace. This is not easy. For many people, living in a state of tension, and the elevated sympathetic nervous system response that accompanies it, have become the norm. Slightly rapid, shallow breathing and elevated blood pressure are the way most people get through the day. Yet, that tension feels comfortable. What would I do without the jolt of adrenaline I need to keep me going? Aside from that, think about the ever changing visceral responses you undergo throughout the day. You may be unconsciously tensing your shoulder muscles in an effort to armor yourself against a client’s rage. I had a friend years ago that kept things very simple. At the slightest hint of discomfort, she would stop and work on regaining her peace. Only when I can identify and label the state I’m in can I change it. From a spiritual perspective, discomfort would be a sign of fear. Discomfort means separation from Source, which by definition, is a state of fear. It takes time to recognize discomfort as fear. It’s hard enough to recognize discomfort. This occurs on so many levels, too many to go into fully at this time. Extreme examples that come to mind are people who keep getting into abusive relationships or people who are self-destructive. A less extreme example is pushing ourselves beyond the level of exhaustion.
Becoming really, really, really, sensitive to our own emotional responses takes time. Meditation is very helpful to the process. Learning full body tension and relaxation exercises is also very helpful.
The Second R is Responsibility:
Responsibility is the ability to generate a response. Responsibility does not mean blame. There is great freedom in knowing that I can generate new responses and I do not have to stay stuck in the same patterns I’ve used in the past. Responsibility and the first R, Recognition, go hand in hand. Once I recognize that whatever has happened to me in my life is a by-product of what I think, or have thought, and I know that I can change my thinking, I stop being a victim of circumstances. Responsibility does not mean blame. Responsibility means self-examination: What are the thoughts and feelings that are out of accord with the truth of who I am. Since, who I am is Love, spiritual honesty means authentic Self expression or expression that comes from the higher loving self.
In my first marriage, I wasn’t always happy. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I had a continuous nagging feeling of emptiness. Years later, when I could ho longer suppress my unhappiness, I realized that the "what was wrong," was the lack of my honest self-expression. In other words, there was something in me that wasn’t being expressed. Rather than blame anyone else for that, I needed to take responsibility to start expressing that, because not expressing it was making me sick. Abraham Maslow is quoted as saying that people who do not become self-actualized engage in metapathologies. Metapathologies are addictions, self-destructive, or criminal behavior.
The third R is Release:
Release means clearing myself of anything that’s blocking spiritual honesty. The clearing can occur at any level: mental, physical, emotional/energy, or spiritual.
At the mental level, release means transforming, relabeling, or eliminating patterns of thinking that are self-sabotaging. There are any number of methods for doing this ones the thought patterns have been recognized and responsibility for having created them is taken. Journaling and affirmations are two methods that work well; another process is disputing the thought patterns.
To clear any kind of emotional tension, energy work or breath work are very useful. Something as simple as a sharp, forceful, audible exhale can clear anger. Breathing in and out of the heart clears sadness. There are any number of bodywork modalities that clear stored emotional toxicity that becomes crystallized: yoga, tai chi, massage, and relaxation exercises.
Spiritual release can be identified as understanding. Understanding is the awareness that conflict means I have forgotten that my reality is Spirit. Spirit is pure love. Spirit is eternal. Spirit is radiance. It’s the magnet that draws love into your life. Spirit is gratitude, gentleness, tolerance, joy, innocence and peace. The apex of release at the spiritual level is forgiveness. It’s forgiving oneself for being out of accord with Spirit in the first place.
When I reacted with astonishment to my friend’s transformation, it wasn’t her problem. It was mine. To have blurted out ,"What the hell did you do?" would have been dishonest because it would not have been a loving statement.
Any conflict I experienced was my own. I have been using my 3R process to recognize that I still have a judgmental catty side. I am taking responsibility for my reaction, and have released my judgment of my friend by forgiving myself. I now bless my friend for helping me stay Spiritually Honest. Dr. Sorah (Susan) Strum Dubitsky has a Ph.D. in Applied Psychology with a specialty in mind/body science. She is a teacher, writer, and lecturer on all areas of health and wellness and self-help, including stress management, relationships, women's issues, creativity and personal productivity. She founded Miracle Journeys magazine, a South Florida inspirational publication that circulated for eight years. Her background encompasses 18 years of corporate work-life in New York City including executive recruiting, advertising agency account management, and publishing. http://www.drsorah.com/
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